end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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