so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
