happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
