I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
