I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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