I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
