a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
