We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
