Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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