I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
