My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
