Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
