I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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