Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
The Olympian is in my bed
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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