sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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