When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
