Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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