the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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