No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i dont even know how to be here
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
