Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
