Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
