Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
