i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
