The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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