i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
