Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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