dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
