it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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