textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Randomize
