just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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