birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
