So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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