i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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