I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
