if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Randomize
