her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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