My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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