Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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