You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
