First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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