just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
