It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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