dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
