She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
