can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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