I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
