those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
