oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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