Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
