Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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