respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
