FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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