I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
