Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
They took my balls.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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