she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
