If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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