i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
