stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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