The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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